Don't know why I even worry

As of 10:00 am this morning, the Gipper has unblocked me. Little did he realize that I had blocked him yesterday after I got off the phone with him. Apparently, when you block someone, they can't see you, find you, or be able to search for you on fb. It's like they don't even have an account. However, and this is a big however, you can still see them and their posts, at least the ones they have as public or "friends of friends". I'm guessing he figured, he'd block me and the two of us wouldn't be able to see each other's walls. (Hense why he couldn't see mine) But then all the things he accused me of, the fb stalking and such? Yeah, apparently, he's the one (or he also) can't keep away from me. He must have thought that he couldn't see my stuff becasue he had blcoked me. So he probably figured he'd unblock me and be able to see my stuff again, and also that way I could find him, but he tried limiting what I could see so I wouldn't get hurt, but whatever! He wanted to see my wall, and probably figured he couldn't see it cause he had blocked me, but actually he couldn't see it cause I blocked him! Hah! I wonder how long it will take for him to contact me and try to apologize and make it all better?

Ummm... Geez, actually, I am sounding a bit maniacal. Perhaps I should look into a bit of therapy.

I've really done it this time

Why do all of my posts have to do with the Gipper?

Yesterday, he called me, which was funny cause I was thinking about calling him, but not for the reasons you may think. I know I haven't written much the past couple of months, but the Gipper and I had sort of come to an understanding. Basically, it went back to the way it had been, although much less intense, much less contact. But he got to keep his friend, and I got to keep my illusion. It was with the understanding that I didn't want to know who or what, where, when, he was dating. He tried to stick to this, but always managed to sneak bits and pieces into our conversations.

Anyway, last week, on facebook, I saw that one of the girls who he had friended and had been commenting with then friended his mom and sister. I knew that meant he had brought her home to "meet the family". I know in guy talk that means not that much, at least according to Rori, but he never took me home to meet any of them. Why? Then I saw Sunday night, he posted pictures of him and her at the beach in OC. They were, you know, "we're having so much fun together" pictures. And it hurt all over again. 

So yesterday, I really started thinking about why I continue to do this to myself? As long as we're friends on facebook, I'm going to get hurt cause I'm going to continue to see this stuff. I've tried hiding his posts from my wall, but I know I can always go check out his wall, and the temptation is just too great. Plus the fact, that I really don't want him to know what I'm up to. It's not his business. He's deemed it so by "just wanting to be friends", although he would argue this last point I'm sure.

So towards the end of the day, I blocked my new posts from him right before I left for the day. Then on the train, I really thought about it. By doing that, I was sort of punishing him and hoping for a reaction, when really what I needed to do was keep myself from him, not necessarily the other way around. As I was deciding to call him once I got home and explain things to him (again) and tell him that I wanted to unfriend him so that I wouldn't have to see his posts and have that temptation and continue to get hurt again and again and again, he called me. I swear it's like we're in sync somehow. Lately, I'll hear from him every 2 weeks, this last time it was about a month, but we texted a bit last Thursday, so I thought I wouldn't be hearing from him for awhile. But it was only a handful of days since we texted. Perhaps he knows how much he pushes my buttons and wants to see how far he can go and how much he can get away with. Well, he finally pushed too hard.

I explained myself to him, and told him it would be easier for me to not be facebook friends. He showed me that we'd still be able to see each other's posts. But said that if we blocked each other then we'd each disappear from each other's facebook pages all together. So that's what we did. Then we said a few choice words, achem. And then we hung up. Then he started texting me, and all his anger came out. We said quite a bit more hurtful things. He suggested I get some therapy, that I was acting psychotic and I was scaring him. Can you imagine? I told him, a therapist would tell me to do the exact thing I was doing. And, a psychotic person wouldn't see there was anything wrong with the "facebook stalking" as he called it, whereas I realized I needed to stop. That I was only hurting myself, and was trying to help myself and rectify the situation. He didn't see it that way. I think he was just angry. He said he wasn't even sure he knew who I really was ("he didn't have to worry about me coming over and burning down his house or anything, did he?" - the nerve!), and totally didn't have any interest in being my friend any longer.

I hate when things end on a bad note. I've had breakups before (although Eye Doc would insist this couldn't be a breakup, since we were never dating) but I was always able to end things amicably, or relatively so. People would be sad, but not enemies. Maybe he just can only see things in black and white?  I feel sorry for him. Oh, and that another thing. He said he felt sorry for me. For me! That he pitied me. Me! That I was running away and hiding from the situation. Honestly, he just needs to grow up. If he's even capable of doing that. I really feel like everything he told me was wrong with me, was actually all the things that he knows inherently are wrong with him.

Well, it is a full moon today, so I'm sure that's why things came to a head. And although I know I need to just let this go, and let him go, at least this way he knows I mean business. That I'm not going to tolerate his bull shit any longer. That I'm the other half of the friendship/ whatever it is/was, and my feelings need to be considered too. Secretly, for a little bit anyway, I'm going to hope that he'll realize how much he misses me and needs me and agree to at least try things my way.  And in the meantime, since we'll have no contact with each other, I'll have a fighting chance of moving on. I probably really did it this time and he may not come back at all and I may never hear from him again. I'm sad and shocked, and hurt, but I know ultimately I did the right thing.

Why does life have to be so hard?

On a side note, I pulled some cards last night, and I kept pulling pentacles (!), like four different cards of them, plus the Page of wands and another very positive card (I forget exactly which one). I've decided to give the Arbonne a decent go. I didn't really do that before. I'm going to put myself out there. I thought all the networking meetups and groups would be a good way to get started. That way, I'll feel that I have a purpose and am not just approaching people arbitrarily. That makes me feel weird. But if I have a purpose, and a somewhat captive audience, I know I can sell this stuff. Heck, I can sell anything! I know. I've done it. I've done cold calling even, for mortgages no less, and gotten really really good leads. So I'm just going to go for it. Just taking a slightly different approach than what was suggested to me. If it works, then I've got myself a nice tidy little side business. And who knows? Perhaps I'll doo well enough that it can become my full time job. And then I'd have the money to live comfortably the way I want, and I'll have time to do all the things I enjoy but have no time for at the moment.

Things are hopefuly looking up. Here's to fresh starts all around!

A New Year, A Fresh Beginning

With Rosh Hashannah gone and Yom Kippur just upon us, I keep wanting to take stock of the last year. So much has happened. The Gipper and that whole saga, all the new friends I've made, re-entering the dating world with a fresh new perspective. Perhaps tomrrow I'll be able to get more down (on paper), but in the meantime I wanted to share this snippet from Lilith Magazine: Shema Yisroel. In it Rabbi Susan Schur references a line from a poem by Denise Levertov, "Marriage." I googled it, and her, and there are apparently two poems, "The Marriage," and "The Marriage II." I thknk I just fell in love with these poems, the first especially and with Denise Levertov, even more than Pablo Neruda.

The Marriage

You have my
attention: which is
a tenderness, beyond
what I may say. And I have
your constancy to
something beyond myself.
The force
of your commitment charges us--we live
in the sweep of it, taking courage
one from the other.

***
The Marriage (II)
I want to speak to you.
To whom else should I speak?
It is you who make
a world to speak of.
In your warmth the
fruits ripen--all the
apples and pears that grow
on the south wall of my
head. If you listen
it rains for them, then
they drink. If you
speak in response
the seeds
jump into the ground.
Speak or be silent: your silence
will speak to me.

Free Will Astrology

Years ago, I started following Free Will Astrology. He used to be publishing in the Philadelphia Weekly but isn't any longer (I don't think). In any case, his weekly horoscopes can be found online here: http://freewillastrology.com/home.shtml I also follow his facebook page. It seems eveyone who is anyone follows someone on facebook. Hah!

So on his facebook page he posted this, and I found it rather enlightening. I nneded someone to give me permission to do this. Although, somehow I feel like he's saying, "You only have to get permission from yourself to do this and it's ok to do this."

UNHAPPY HOUR
You're invited to celebrate Unhappy Hour. It's a ceremony that gives you a poetic license to rant and whine and howl and bitch about everything that hurts you and makes you feel bad.
During this perverse grace period, there's no need for you to be inhibited as you unleash your tortured squalls. You don't have to tone down the extremity of your desolate clamors. Unhappy Hour is a ritually consecrated excursion devoted to the full disclosure of your primal clash and jangle.
Here's the catch: It's brief. It's concise. It's crisp. You dive into your darkness for no more than 60 minutes, then climb back out, free and clear. It's called Unhappy Hour, not Unhappy Day or Unhappy Week or Unhappy Year.
Do you have the cheeky temerity to drench yourself in your paroxysmal alienation from life? Unhappy Hour invites you to plunge in and surrender. It dares you to scurry and squirm all the way down to the bottom of your pain, break through the bottom of your pain, and fall down flailing in the soggy, searing abyss, yelping and cringing and wallowing.
That's where you let your pain tell you every story it has to tell you. You let your pain teach you every lesson it has to teach you.
But then it's over. The ritual ordeal is complete. And your pain has to take a vacation until the next Unhappy Hour, which isn't until next week sometime, or maybe next month.
You see the way the game works? Between this Unhappy Hour and the next one, your pain has to shut up. It's not allowed to creep and seep all over everything, staining the flow of your daily life. It doesn't have free reign to infect you whenever it's itching for more power.
Your pain gets its succinct blast of glory, its resplendent climax, but leaves you alone the rest of the time.
If performed regularly, Unhappy Hour serves as an exorcism that empties you of psychic toxins, while at the same time -- miracle of miracles -- it helps you squeeze every last drop of blessed catharsis out of those psychic toxins.
Pronoia will then be able to flourish as you luxuriate more frequently in rosy moods and broad-minded visions. You'll develop a knack for cultivating smart joy and cagey optimism as your normal states of mind.
Now let's get you warmed up for Unhappy Hour.
First, let me hear you groan.
Second, let me hear you howl.
Third, let me hear you sigh.
Now say or sing these declarations:
Life is a bitch and everything stinks.
My pain is so bad I can hardly think.
I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die.
The world's so messed up, I can't even cry.
OK. You're almost ready. When I say GO, you will have as much freedom as you want to dredge up and steep yourself in your savage sorrow, your unspeakable doubt, your shrill anguish, your secret shame, and your fearful fantasies.
Give yourself permission to make guttural moans, rueful cackles, or animalistic growls and squawks. Argue with God or your parents or the past while blurting out manic, explosive wails. Allow yourself to be crushed and dissolved, flung around and flayed, appalled and unhinged.
And while you're at it, use the clean white space on these pages to scrawl down curses, scratch out narratives, or scribble symbolic drawings incited by your misery.
Later, make photocopies of these curses, narratives, and drawings, and conduct a ceremony of purification, burning them to ash, being careful not to set your house or the woods or yourself on fire, too.
As you burn, pray that you will extract all of the mojo you possibly can from the pain, and that the pain will make you smarter and wilder and kinder and trickier.
Pray that you will grow to feel gratitude for the pain, thereby turning the pain into a blessing and diminishing its power to hurt you.
Ready? Get set. GO. Be unhappy -- but for no longer than 60 minutes.
Sacred Advertisement
Unhappy Hour is brought to you by the origin myth of the Iroquois' Thunderbird Clan: Earthmaker woke up to realize he was the only being in the universe. Out of the depths of his loneliness, he cried, unleashing a flood of tears that became the oceans and rivers and lakes of our world.

My how the time does fly!

How is it possible that my last post was the beginning of June?! June! So much has happened and so much hasn't, I don't even know where to start. Should I start with how my grandfather was diagnosed with stage two lung cancer? Should I start with how my cat is so stressed as well that she's currently on valium? Should I start with how that deal with the Lubavitch for the house fell through? Should I start with how my mother has be so crazed I'm ready to climb the walls? Should I start with the vacation I took with Rabbis Daughter to Savannah, which should have been oh-so-pleasant, wound up making both of us sick and it took me a whole extra week to recover - just in time to be sick with my period? Lovely! Should I start with how because of said vacation I got three months behind with the bills and have no way on my own to get them up to date? (I love having to pay my mother's bills that she created wtih her then $150K salary with my salary that is only a fraction of that) I have no idea. I haven't been able to focus all summer and that's why I've been sort of MIA for awhile. Through all of August I didn't even keep up with my friends I just sort of fell off the face of the earth and was wallowing in it a bit. **Sigh** I know eventually my life will go back to being mine. I keep hoping it will be sooner rather than later.

Oh, and did I mention that somehow I agreed to be the Gipper's friend again? Yeah, cause that's how I roll! How do I let myself be coerced into these things. I'm realizing, I really can't be his friend. And I'm realizing he doesn't make a very good friend to begin with anyway. Gipper! If you somehow found this blog, Call Me! But only if you intend to take me out on a date. A REAL date. If you have no intention of that, then please, be a friend, AND LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!!! I've had enough. Of your Bull S**t. Of your just wanting to be freinds. Of everything. Oh, and if you do decide you have enough balls to contact me, PLEASE call on the phone! Not text. Not IM. I want an honest to G-d voice on the other end of the phone!!! Gahhh!

Well, that pretty much sums up my summer. Now back to your regularly scheduled lives. Hopefully mine will switch back fromt he static it's been on for the past five years soon as well.

Triple Eclipse to come

So there’s this triple eclipse that’s on it’s way starting today. To be more precise, it’s three individual eclipses: one today, one June 15, and one July 1. Apparently this is a big deal. Since the eclipse is in Gemini (I think) and the one today is a Solar eclipse which helps in FRESH STARTS. Yes, I know I didn’t need to underline this, but I could really use some help in this department, and isn’t it funny how this is happening just as everything seems to be moving with the house. 

Those frummy people from down the street came on Friday to do a home inspection. They have still to make an actual offer, mind you, but just for them to get a feel. You understand. According to the home inspector, everything structurally is sound, it’s just little cosmetic things. The frummy guy is looking to be able to make the lowest offer ever, cause tomorrow he has a contractor coming over to see what it would cost to get the house into livable shape for them. I get it. Really, I do. But make a freaking offer already! I know you have an undying need to be the cheapest Jew on Earth. But really. We’re Jews too, even though you probably don’t think so, and do you really have to drag us through your neurosis to prove a point? We have a price limit too, you see. AND we also have to get out sometime soon. Of course, from what I understand you need to get out of your rental fairly (read: really) soon. So perhaps we can make a deal after all? Guess we’ll have to await and see.

Let’s see, what else? I took a rather extended long Memorial Day weekend. Probably about a week and a half worth. I know, I know. I think I just needed some regroup time you know? This whole house thing is stressful (just wait till the actual negotiations start and we have to start packing and actual apartment hunting! Fun!). And I’ve been focusing on chatting more with guys on OKcupid. I’ve found one who seems really nice. We’ll see. Then, I’ve been keeping a close eye on the Gipper. Also, I  know I shouldn’t be. That i need to forget him, even if it is just for now. I need to give the universe the opportunity to straighten things out. I’m trying, it’s just hard. So he’s going away at the end of this wee for about 10 days to the Dominican Republic. I have no idea if the girl he’s been seeing rather regularly is going with, but I kind of get the feeling that she’s not. He said they’re not exclusive. This sounds like it’s her choice. Cause he said something to the effect that it’s not exclusive, but they’re seeing an awful lot of each other. And even though he’s still on the dating sites (I know, I’ve seen him, without him knowing) he’s having a hard time going out with others. But you know, a relationship is usually run by the girl. If she were interested, they’d being exclusive. The fact that they’re not exclusive leads me to believe it’s not going anywhere. He’l figure that out. Anyway, it’s not my concern. 

Oh, also, I’ve gotten back onto Meetup.com. I started going to this Sidewalk Cafe group and met some very nice people. Then out of the blue, I get an email from the organizer... she can’t make the meetup this Saturday but doesn’t want to cancel it, would I be able to host in her stead? It was really nice, and I was so touched that she thought of me. I wrote her back and told her of course, I’d live to. So we’re meeting tomorrow night so she can give me the money she’s collected so far and give me the run down. I was the strangest thing, but I’m actually looking forward to being the one to host. Perhaps I should look at that as my calling... hosting events, party planning, that sort of thing. Hmm. Not sue how I feel about that, but it could be interesting.

Thoughts to Ponder

So, I read tarot cards. I get a lot of insight out of my readings and most times see them almost as a therapy session. I have found the website Tarot.com to be invaluable. Through the years they've added more things, like different readings, numerology, blog posts. Today they had this very interesting post about soul mates here.

Gipper called me yesterday. Well actually he called me after trying to IM me and I told him I feel uncomfortable talking on IM and wanted a phone call instead, and what did he think. (just like Rori said), and like magic the phone rang! It was a good call, but I ended it by telling him that I was confused about the phone calls. That I didn't know what they meant or why he was still calling me. i had made my case clear, and so if he just wanted to be friends then I didn't know why he was still calling me. he said he'd hoped that my feelings had changed/lessened and I said they hadn't. I could tell he felt disappointed, but I told him I wished his feelings would change/grow. So, he said he would still call, and I said I probably wouldn't answer. I'll just have to stick to my reserve.

Yaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

The Muppets are coming! The Muppets are coming!

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Sometimes my life feels like a Bridget Jones episode

Bridget Jones would have done fabulously as a sitcom. Think of it. All of her little snafus,  all the angst, all as individual episodes. I can't believe no one's thought of the concept before. Instead they’re making a musical. Truly?! It’s just too much for even my feeble mind to grasp. But I digress...

I am writing this from my new laptop, this one, at Starbucks. I’m meeting the Shrink and Rabbi’s Daughter later for a little Phriday Night Pho. I thought I’d try out my concept of working for the time in between my job and meeting up with friends or for an event. If you call blogging work, or checking out everyone’s doings on Facebook, or chatting with guys on OKCupid. 

According to my sister, this does not count as work. And thus, according to her, she thereby has every right to use my new toy if she has “actual” work and my mom is taking my other laptop to work with her. As if! You had to see the standoff that happened the night that went down. Basically it ended with her telling me if she couldn’t use my new computer, then I couldn’t use the washer she just bought. I stood there flabbergasted for a moment trying to figure out if I had just witnessed what I had. Then I came back with, “Fine, then don’t use the water!” Oh, yeah, we’re real mature at the Katydid household.

Come to think of it, MY life could be a sitcom. Take just this week, for instance. Over the weekend, I went onto OKCupid. Now that I have this here communication tool, I figure I should use it as such, and not waste all of my time watching old TV shows, however relevant they might be. Anyway, I was online Saturday night, (rainy day, no date, so why not?) and I had two guys IMing me while a couple others were emailing me. How cool! I’m really trying to focus on what Rori keeps saying and go about this whole dating thing with a totally different attitude and just have fun with it all. So this one guy’s writing to me, he’s Indian, but I figure so what? His picture is decent, and he tells me he’s an astrophysicist. (I kid you not)  After chatting for a bit, he asks me if I want to go out, and again, I figure, why not? So we make plans for Monday. Monday comes and he writes to me to confirm and to tell me where to meet. He’s better looking than in his picture. We walk for a bit, and settle on Smokin Bettys for dinner. It was really good. The conversation was good, perhaps a bit over my head at times but I held my own. He had nice hands and nails, an easy smile. When the bill came, he was so smooth with it and with keeping the conversation going, that I didn’t even have a chance to offer to pay my half as I usually do. And somehow, I didn’t feel guilty about it. We then went to Capogiros for dessert. Again he paid without question. It was nice. I felt respected, and well treated. I realized that this is what I’ve been wanting it to be like when I went out with all those children. He was a man, not boy. I want to get used to this. He offered to drive me home, and to my surprise I let him! Of course there was a catch, isn’t there always? He’s in town from Chicago, for only a few months for business. He works as a research scientist. And the few months ended supposedly Thursday. I haven't heard from him since that night. Oh, well. I had fun, and now I know that yes, I can hold my own even with a rocket scientist, and that I want a man, not a boy. And that there are still men out there who will know how to treat me with the respect that a lady deserves. Overall, it was a lovely evening!

Thursday, I met the Russian for dinner at Ponzios. Her suggestion. I haven’t seen her in a while, and I suppose it was good to catch up. I know she talks a lot, but I always forget just how much. Boobs also talks a lot, but she at least does eventually come up for air. This one? I had to jump in and change the subject. Continuously. The last time I met up with her it was for brunch with my bother and Gipper and one of Gipper’s friends. I was going to pick the Russian up, but once I got there she changed her mind and decided to drive herself, but then her car wouldn’t start. She had it jumped, but then it died half way there. We had to call her brother in law to come and get her, and it turned into this really big mess. Luckily this time went without incident.  She told me about her classes. I told her about the guys I’ve been seeing/writing to. I made it sound like I was doing more than I am, but I’ll get there. I probably told her a bit more with the hopes that it’ll get back to the Gipper. I know this is not the mindset that I should be in, but some weeks are better than others. At least I’m trying to be more aware. And that’s good right?

***I finished this today, Saturday. Ran out of time yesterday and had to go meet up with the girls for dinner.***

So last night I met up with Rabbis Daughter and the Shrink for Pho Phriday as we’ve taken to calling them. During the winter we were going every Friday for Pho, but as spring crept in, we’ve been a bit lax with the Pho. But since we hadn’t seen each other in a bit, the Shrink was in Hawaii all week for a conference, we decided to get together. And with the way this week was, it was a nice calm way to end it. After dinner and some much needed girl talk, we decided to get some dessert. The girls knew of a Vietnamese place down the street a bit, but when we got there they were closed already. Of course, it was about 9:30 or so it was somewhat expected. We decided to head back up towards civilization (we were down on Washington Ave). Eventually we found ourselves on Passyunk, and the girls remembered there was this chocolate place that they had passed before but hadn't tried yet. They also couldn’t exactly remember where it was. So we walked. Eventually we came to one of those weird intersections that Passyunk is so good at. We’re standing there, trying to get our bearings, and this car pulls up. It looked to be a late 70s early 80s muscle car. Like a camaro or something like that. It was black and had it’s windows down. It sort of stopped and idled a bit at the same intersection. It was a bit surreal actually. So we’re standing there, looking around and the the Shrink was going, “I know where we are, just need to figure out where the chocolate place is.” And we’re standing there probably looking like we were just wasting time, and then,  as if on cue, the girls point in the same direction and say, “there it is!” and at that very same moment, the radio in the car starts playing “Eye of the Tiger”. It was like being in one of those 80s teen-angst movies. It was so funny! Perhaps you had to be there, but the Rabbis Daughter and me started to laugh and laugh until we had tears running down our faces. We pulled it together to get inside the chocolate shop, but then once we ordered we started all over again. It was just too surreal! We had a really good night! By the way, we went here, and I highly, highly recommend! A definite good date place!

On the home front, there's been some interest in the house. There’s a group of Lubavitch down the street from the house, and one of them came to look at the house. He verbally made an incredibly lowball offer. Our realtor told him she didn’t think that was really a feasible offer, but to put something in writing and she’d present it. He hasn’t done that yet, but he did call several times with questions, but then they went and got their own commercial realtor, who happens to be a member of the congregation. These guys seem somewhat shady and unethical. Even my mom said he seemed a bit sleazy when they came through. She was almost ready to tell them thanks but we don’t do business that way. But I told her not to kill the deal before it’s not even begun, to at least see where things may go. So this week, the realtor guy came with his boss to look at the property. They want to have a home and termite inspection, at their expense. So at this point we’re waiting. We’re guessing that they will make an offer, they just need to see how much exactly they want to offer. We already have decided that we really can’t afford to lower the price any more than the $100,000 we already have. We haven’t told them that yet, but they’ll figure it out when they make us a legitimate offer. I’m figuring that it won’t be long, and it sounds like they’re going to want a quick settlement. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Uh Oh, Now what?

So the guy that I met with Eye Doc at the museum cocktail party the other night? He invited me out to a street fair that's going on in University City. Should I go? I'm not sure. I know I'm not interested, he totally not my type on so many levels, according to his facebook page, he's been married twice and has three kids from each marriage for a total of six!! children. But just for the sake of getting back out there, you know? Plus, I never know who else will be at the street fair. I may have to consult Rabbi's Daughter on this one. I shall get back to you all. But in the meantime, if any of you have any thoughts, please feel free to chime in!

Spies, Traitors & Saboteurs, Oh my!

I need to remember not to log into my Gmail or Yahoo accounts using a different account from the one I use here if I'm in the middle of writing a post. I had everything looking good and ready to go, and then **blip** all gone. So this is a slightly abbreviated version...

Last night I went with Eye Doc to a happy hour/cocktail party at the National Constitution Center. It was in conjunction with their Spy Museum exhibit. It was actually a little nicer than I thought it was going to be, but was the usual... people already had their clicks and weren't quite so anxious to include new people. But it was ok.

There was guy who flirted with us towards the end. I think he may have been more into Eye Doc, but when I fb friended him earlier today, he accepted and wrote back almost immediately. He was too old for me but funny. He used to work at the Pentagon so he gave us an "insiders view" of the exhibit. He was very much the kibitzer, so it was more fun and games than informational, but it passed the time. As we were leaving he asked if we had any business cards. Eye Doc said no, and I sort of followed suit, but in my bag were my "Sassy but Sophisticated" cards. Why didn't use them? I really need to get more comfortable with social situations and stop analyzing everything.

I was thinking this as we were leaving the museum, and while we were walking along, there was a very cute biker who had those blinking lights on the back and front of his bike. one of them had fallen off, so as Eye Doc & I passed and made some sort of "Oh, that's too bad" comment, so he looked up from picking up the light and asked me to blow on it, for luck he said. So I did and smiled again. And we kept walking. Eye Doc said that it looked just like a movie scene, very magical. I felt very much like Sophia Loren. Oh, did I mention he had an accent? Of course, little miss never paying enough attention to the person in front of her, can't say what he looked like exactly, or where is accent was from. But the moment? It was magical. I guess that's what they mean when they say live int eh moment? I just wish I was paying more attention to it as I was living it.

Tomorrow night? Book reading and signing by Jennifer Weiner at the Gershman Y!

Busy Weekend

So, the weekend actually started early on Thursday, courtesy of me getting Friday off from work, Yay!
Thursday was Dining Out for Life night, and if you didn't well, shame on you. I went with Rabbis Daughter to Starbucks before we met up with everyone else, just to catch up. It's been several weeks, months possibly, since I've really been going out. I guess just the winter still hanging on without spring really getting here, and then me trying to get myself back together from the whole Gipper fiasco... well, I wasn't really in a social mood, shall we say. So we sat down in a couple of their comfy chairs. I told her about my computer coming (next week people!!) She told me about meeting up with the Half Jap down in DC. (She doesn't really think it's going to go anywhere) I told her about Rori Raye, and she told me about how being a rabbi's daughter just amplifies the whole "there are no good men out there" scenario. I was a good venting chat. You know the kind.

Then we headed down to Mercato where we met with Boobs, the Shrink, and one of Rabbis Daughter's friends who I have to think of a name for. I think she may just stay an acquaintance for me. She a bit too negative, and not quite warm and fuzzy enough for me. the conversation took a rather unladylike turn, and i have to admit that it was me who kept steering ti there. I was just so fascinated by Ms Negative's responses. (perhaps that's what I'll call her) But the evening started discussing boob size, more specifically cleavage, most specifically mine. Boobs keeps telling me that i dress too conservatively, so when I showed up in a top that really was that revealing, but definitely more than typical, she made a comment which turned into a conversation. Funny how that happens at a table full of girls. This then moved to sex, positions, oral, likes dislikes, etc. Am I the only one who likes oral? (I mean really, really likes?) Now of course, I enjoy receiving more than giving, let's be real here, but part of what turns me on is giving too. Knowing he's as aroused as i am really gets me going. Anyway, so Ms Neg was like, "Yeah, no big deal. It's ok, but don't crave it. Who has time? I've got better things to do." Better things to do?! Than sex?! OK, perhaps this is what happens when you've been with the same person for several years, but G-d I hope I never feel so blase about the guy I eventually wind up with. She also mentioned spending Easter with her boyfriend's family. All she did was complain about them, what they did. that they gave out gifts and what they gave her and "wasn't it weird?" I just don't understand. Again, I hope that I love my man's family as much as him when i find him. I know what it is to not get along with in-laws. I don't want that for my future. I want a good family support system, both from my side and from his. Needless to say, even though the food was divine, I had a rather bad taste in my mouth as we left.

The next night, I had agreed to go with Rabbis Daughter to Ms Neg's for a makeup party. It was skincare and makeup by Arbonne. The concept of the products is really wonderful, and if they work, they just might be exactly what I'm looking for. To go along with my Raw Food Detox Diet that I need to get back on the bandwagon with. The evening went way longer than i had expected. We met at 7 at her place, which was actually a rather nicely laid out studio/1 bedroom in the Embassy Apt just off of Rittenhouse neighborhood. Probably too small and run by Philly Management Company, which I've heard mixed things about, but good to keep in mind. We didn't leave until close to midnight, and I, who had gone there thinking I was only going to buy something very small, wound up getting the whole skincare line but at a ridiculous (maybe about 70%) discount. Anyway, I'll let you all know what i think once it comes.

Saturday, I went to brunch with Boobs and Rabbis Daughter with my mom and sister. Boobs had mentioned at dinner that she had met everyone else's mother except mine and she found it rather suspicious. So, since my mom was going into town anyway, I suggested brunch. It went well. My sister managed to behave and my mother said they were both very nice. She found it a bit disconcerting that Boobs seemed to talk to her like she was an old woman. I didn't notice, but my mom was pretty freaked out. She's never been treated like an old person before and well, it was disconcerting like I said. Saturday was also the PIFA street fair. There were mobs of people so my mom, sister and I left Boobs & Rabbis Daughter to it and went about our day. It was nice though.

That was pretty much my weekend. Not bad, and I actually sort of glossed over quite a bit, cause I'm running out of time. I really need to post each day,so I can devote a full post to each individual thing that I do. Once my new computer comes, I promise, that's my plan.

So, on the home front- My mother's car is in the shop again. The brakes stopped working for my brother. He w able to get it to the shop, but then they called the next day to tell us that it will cost $900 to fix. It was only a month ago that we spent $900 on something else for that car. IT may be time for a new car, but I'm not sure where the money's coming from for it. So my mom's been using my car this week and I've been hitching a ride with my sister. Fun times! But I suppose it could be worse.

What else? Well, my mom texted me about the car Friday night when I was on my way tot he Arbonne party. In the same text that she's telling me about the car, she's told em that she decided to lower the price of the house yet again, we had just lowered it the week before. She said that she made the decision that either we want the most money for it, or we want to get out. We all know that right now the important thing is to get out, and I know she's right, but I can't help feeling guilty that I can't do more to help the situation. I do need to get out, but I don't want to leave her in a proverbial cardboard box on the corner, if you know what I mean. Where, G-d, is all this going/ending?

Excitement!

I know I have been lax with keeping up with this blog. But all of that is about to change! Today I placed an order for a brand new laptop! I got a really good deal on one I've been eyeing for some time. It's light enough that I'll be able to take it with me, and if I have an event that's after work but with a couple of hours leeway time, I can just duck into a Starbucks or bookstore and catch up, or blog, or write, or whatever! Yay!

I had actually gotten a laptop a little over a year ago with similar aspirations, but alas, no sooner had it been delivered than it somehow became the new 'family' computer, even to the extent that my mom now takes it to work with her. I'm still not entirely sure how that happened, but who cares? The new one that's coming is even better, and actually cheaper than the one I got a year ago. Go me! I was trying to post using my phone, but typing a whole long post using those itty bitty keyboards can get old really fast. And, if I let a few days go by without posting, all of my outings pile up and by the time I get around to blogging, I'm overwhelmed at all that I wanted to write about and stall an never get anything posted at all. Once my new computer comes, that's all going to change!

So just a quick update in the meantime...

Went out to dinner with the Shrink this past Friday. I hadn't really talked with her in a bit, so it was nice. I enjoy her company, but sometimes she can be a bit negative, and when I'm trying so hard to keep positive about everything, it can be hard to talk with her. I've found that if I keep things to a minimum, or with others there, we can spread the love around, so to speak.

Saturday, I went with a friend to the Fourth Wall Arts Salon. They have one once a month at a different venue. It's a way for new artists to get their work out, shown, heard. They have all different types of art: vocal, instrumental, visual, dance, poetry, really anything goes. Every month it's different, and every month it's wonderful! This month it was at the National Museum if American Jewish History. I haven't been to the museum proper yet, but now I really want to go back.

Sunday, my mother and sister and I went to see the Capucci fashion exhibit at the Art Museum. Also, wonderful! He started as any other fashion designer, but then decided he wanted to actually use fashion as art, so his more recent fashions are more like movable, wearable sculpture. It was beautiful, fascinating, and mesmerizing.

It's been a fairly quiet week so far, other than working out the details of my COMPUTER! Tomorrow I'm meeting with the girls at Mercato for Dining Out for Life. This is a national event that happens every year where restaurants donate 33% of their proceeds from the night to AIDS research. I remember when it first started about 10 years ago or so. It's very exciting that it's still happening and to see how it's grown. Also, I haven't actually taken part before, so I'm super excited to finally be able to participate. Friday, I'll be going with Rabbi's Daughter to an Arbonne makeup party at one of her friend's. For those few who are reading this blog, have any of you heard of this brand? I checked them out online, and they seem to be for the 40 year olds and older set, and since I'm the oldest in my group of friends at 34, I'm not quite sure what to expect, but we'll see.

OK, now, guy news...

The Gipper is seeing someone, seriously he says although it's only been a month, so we'll see how long it lasts. There were pictures posted on facebook. He took them off of his wall thinking I won't know, but whatever! I can't see just anyone staying with him for very long once they see how emotionally high maintenance he is. And not that it's a bad thing that he is, you understand, just that it'll take a very special person to be able to understand it, and accept him with it, and know how to handle it without going crazy or making him crazy. I know I need to get past him, and move on. I've changed some of the settings so that his postings won't show up in my news feed and so that when i post it won't show up in his. Babyish, perhaps but it may help me not think about him, if I'm not constantly inundated with info about him, you know?

Divorced Dad, remember him? From way back on my other blog perhaps, KatydidFliesAgain. (Actually I just looked, and I'm not sure I ever went into detail about him. But I'll leave that for another post.) Anyway, I was trolling facebook, which I do, and I don't know what made me check his page, but I saw that he had changed his relationship status to singe, so I commented that I was sorry and hoped he was doing ok. So he writes me back this long email about what happened and how he's doing, and so I write him, back and then he asked if he could call me. I said yes, because, why not? It doesn't need to go anywhere, especially since I don't want it to, but it might be nice to have someone else to talk to and maybe think about other than the Gipper. Also, it might be nice to have someone outside of my current social circle who doesn't know him to talk to about everything. So we talked Sunday night, and it was nice, no sparks or anything, but nice. I'll see if he calls again, although if he does and wants to ask me out I'll have to let him know I'm not interested in anything serious with him.

I've been reading a lot and listening to a lot by Rori Raye. She deals with romantic relationships and what things work and what things don't. On the surface, you'd think she's a lot like any other relationship self help program, but hers seems to make sense, and the bits that I've tried out really do work, so I think there might be something to them. Anyway, she has this concept called "circular dating" basically, doing what my mother's been telling me (G-d, she'd laugh if she could read this) and date a bunch of men at the same time. Rori says that there's a definite difference between committed relationship and just exclusivity. Commitment, means that he tells you, "I love you, I want to be with you, you're the one I want." and marriage is definitely on the table. Whereas with Exclusivity, marriage isn't necessarily on the table, but you've taken yourself off the marriage market to only be with one man. It's so obvious, though. Why would you take yourself off the marriage market if he hasn't offered you marriage, or something pretty darn close? Therefore, you date anyone and everyone (within reason of course), and just have fun flirting and having various experiences until someone does offer you marriage and commitment. Now that the weather's getting nicer, I've made up my mind, that I owe it to myself to try this. At least to have a good time.

Anyway, see what I mean about long posts and getting overwhelmed. If you've gotten this far, cool beans! Give me a little shout out and let me know I'm not writing in vain.

Comments

Oh! And also, I just recently found where I can see the stats for my blog and who's reading and when and where they're from. (I know, I'm al ittle slow on the up take) I kept waiting for comments and figured that's how I would know if people were following my blog. But since I know there are at least some of you out there, I'd love to hear from you. Post a comment, or send me an email, you can find my address on my profile page. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

Update

I have been horribly lax with this blog of late, and I apologize. Things are moving along at the speed of light, or dragging along slow as a turtle, depending on how one looks at it. I was re-reading my most previous posts, to see where I had left things, and just to bring things up to date...

I did not get into Drexel's MS in Info Sys program. I wound up having to take the GRE's twice and still not a fabulous score, but should have been adequate. Apparently not. It may be a blessing in disguise, though. As I was doing some soul searching, as I've been doing for the past month or so I realized, that I really don't want to go into the computer field. Sure, it's good money and where technology is going, but all in all, I know it won't make me happy.

Rori Raye's book put a whole new persepective on things for me. So much so that I would up getting one of her audio courses as well. It really helped me put things into perspective not just with the Gipper, but with other things and relationships in my life. My mom also helped in this respect as well, as she is wont to do. The audio course helped me realize that I really need (and actually when I think about it want) to have a purpose in this life. What I was having a hard time realizing is that another person born or otherwise) can't be my purpose. I knew in my head and heart that a man couldn't be my purpose. But I was still stuck in the frame of mind that I want children and they'll be my purpose, but I need a man for that. That was the kicker, CHILDREN can't be my purpose. That's as wrong as me making the man in my life my purpose.

So, I've thought about off an on that I would like to write. That's what prompted me to start this blog. I know I have a lot of stories in my head all the time. I daydream most of the day (don't tell my boss!). I remember seeing an interview with the author of the Twilight series when the books were just starting to take off. (not a fan of the books, but she was inspiring) She said that once she had written the first book, and it was published and she started talking to people about it, she realized that most people don't have stroies in their heads all the time. She said that she had always gone through her day with some snippet of a story floating through her head, and I thought, "Me too!" She said, she had always assumed everyone one had stories floating around in their heads, and I thought, "Me too!" But she said that when she started talking with others about it, they didn't have those stories in their heads, and I thought, "Whoa! Maybe someone would be interested in hearing my stories then." So I've decided to start putting them down. Which brings me to my current big diecision...

I'm getting a new Apple laptop. Well, actually the Macbook Air, which is somewhere between a laptop and a netbook. I was going back and forth about it. As I've been about a lot of stuff lately. But the funny thing is, where as most of the things I've tried recently have been nipped in the bud before they even get off the ground, when I applied (on a lark) for credit through Apple's site, I got it almost instantly, and more than enough for the computer I want. I took it as a sign. I'm still trying to see if I can work out a deal, to save some, if I can. But hopefully within the next week or so, I will have my very own, not sharing with anyone else in the house, laptop. I'll be able to take it with me, so if I have an event after work, but have a few hours to kill, I can work on it. It will be fabulous!

The Gipper is starting to get on my nerves. I love him, and he can't seem to get me out of his system either since he's been calling me, bit by bit, more and more frequently. But yet he's dating around, and currently (as of maybe last week?) has gotten serious with someone he's been seeing for about a month. What does he want with me? Do I confront him again? Or just let it ride, and treat him as a "puppy dog guy" as Rori calls them. I'm leaning towards Rori's option. She also talks about circular dating, (basically dating a bunch of guys all at the same time with no serious intentions) which I've been trying in very small doses. Mainly just seeing and noticing that men notice me. I never realized, paid attention, but men really notice me! It's really rather exhilirating!

Anyway, I was on facebook yessterday, and noticed that Divorced Dad is single again. So I commented that I was sorry and hoped he was doing ok. So he writes me this long email explaining what happend. I answered today, and he wants to call me! I'm not interested in anything romantic with him. He's not really my type, has way too mcuh baggage, and honestly (this is bad I know) but the sex wasn't all that great. But he's a very nice guy. We had what to talk about I'd be willing to be friends, but that's it. I'll have to see if he'd be ok with that. I'm not looking for anything serious with him. I defintiely know that.

What else...? Oh, the house is still on the market. Surprise, surprise. This is one of the lessons I've been trying to relearn. "Things will only happen when it's time for them to happen." I know this. I've told others this and they've totally taken it to heart. I used to be really good at knowing this, but somewhere in my Gipper addled head I forgot. I must remember. About the house and the Gipper, and everything else that's crazy in my life now. All o fmy balls hav ebeen tosed in the air and they've been hovering there for months now. I need to "Let go and let G-d" cory but true, and trust that he'll see everythign settled as it should be when it should be. So mostly, I need to re-learn my patience. ;)

Lettign Go May Not Be the Answer

In an email I subscribe to:

I don’t know if I can do this for much longer. I have been involved with a man for close to five years. When we’re together, we’re like a married couple who love each other dearly, and although it’s passionate and intense when we’re together, we’ve never had the time needed to see if we’re truly compatible beyond the wild lovemaking and sweet friendship. We’re both single, travel a lot, and live thousands of miles away from each other, and we’re both probably commitment-phobes. However, I think we’re both changing – I am anyway – and all this in and out, on and off, is getting tiring. At the moment, we’re not together, but as usual, that will change – next week or next month… Do you think this has any future of growing into something more consistent, or would you suggest I let him go and move on?


Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:

Dear Christina,

There is a very bright and strong bond that you and this man share. A little karma, a little convenience and a little destiny. It really does seem challenging for each of you not to reconnect with the other, but the on-and-off pattern that has been established appears as if it’s going to repeat.

One of the big challenges that stands between the two of you is timing. Currently, you’re more open to, and desiring of, a stabilized and traditional relationship than he is. When he thinks of “settling down,” he does envision it with you. However, this is not a concept he’s planning to embrace for several more years, which is likely to feed the embers conflict you already have smoldering within you.

Complicated as things may feel, it doesn’t seem as if you’re under any pressure to make a permanent decision regarding this man and his place in your life – at least not at this time. This is something that simply needs to “play out.” Deciding to move on would not/will not expel him from your system. That, and the fact that you haven’t met anyone who is remotely as interesting or desirable, helps to keep the bond the two of you have created somewhat firmly in place. So, while letting go may seem like a sound, logical plan – it is not without flaw. There is more to come between the two of you before you can make any deciding judgments.

While so many people go through life hoping to connect with one person who is a true soulmate or on a soulmate level, you’re blessed (or cursed) with having two. There is another man who will be entering your life, what looks like late in the fall of next year, with whom you will immediately connect and feel bonded to. This most certainly is going to shake things up, but who you spend the next chapter of your life with will be up to you. Your old love will not want to lose you, but he’s still going to be hesitant to solidify the relationship. Your new love is ready for a more permanent arrangement and is likely to pressure you a bit to toward exclusivity.

I see you feeling caught in the middle of these two men, and you will struggle with the pros and cons of each man and relationship. But, from what I’m seeing, it looks as if you will begin to let go of the past and your lover, and embrace a future with this new man who is obviously head over heels in love with you.

Bright Blessings,

Red

I must remember

this was taken from an advice column called Dear Sugar:

When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.

On with the living

I miss him. I know I should try to focus on other things, and I am, but I do miss him. Also, I know for as fact he misses me too. I wonder how long he'll last through this standoff. He's already cracking. Although, I'm going to make sure I don't tease him about it. The last thing I want is for him to think I'm belittling him. I care about him too much and have too much respect for him to do that.

I've been out with the girls alot: birthday dinner for Rabbi's Daughter at the Shrink's. Very nice, her mom came too. It was like having my mom there, just with an Israeli accent. Boobs was there, an Mini Me. There was this really good wine, something Penguin. There were little feet on the cork and bottle, and it was very good. Flea market/Antiques Fair with Eye Doc this past weekend. Brunch first at Honeys, then the Flea Market. I got a beautiful pair of 1950s navy blue velvet pumps. They'll go with my blue velvet dress with the scoop back and train. The vintage displayed was amazing! We'll have to go again. Went to Jones for the first time for Rabbi's Daughter's birthday. (It was a week long event). Things are really moving along for her and the Half Jap. I'm really happy for her. he seems very nice, and I'm curious how things work out later this week after they meet for lunch. I hope it goes well.

So, checked off my "to do" list:
GREs retaken, with decent score- Check
Reapplied to Drexel - Check
Actually got insurance on my phone (during an open enrollemnt period, who knew?) and am getting a new cell phone. It arrives today! - Check
A few people interested in the house - Check!! well, they've expresed interest. Let's hope they come look at it and make an offer.
Have been trying to get back into the online dating thing, but just am not entirely in the mood. I would love to meet someone, either the Gipper or someone else, or someone for "in the meantime", but the online dating thing, well, honestly, I need a computer for that. :)

And then there's the Gipper. We had a potluck brunch two weekends ago. It was two and half weeks since I had seen him, but we had both agrred to go before our disagreement so we both went. G-d it was good to see him. He was all bouncy and bubbly and how he is when I know he's happy to see me. I love him like that! :) His brother and sister in law had just had a baby that week, so he said he was happy about that, but I know better. ;) But I made it clear that although I was glad to see him, things weren't going to go back to the way they ahd been just like that. I somewhat avoided him while making it look like I was just mingling. By the end of the afternoon, we were talking with people on opposite sides of the room instead of being joined at the hip as per our usual. There was no animosity, just an understanding, I guess. The hug hello he gave me when I first got there was an "I missed you" hug that was wonderful, although didn't last nearly long enough for me. But when he left, it was the same quick hug he gave to everyone.

He tried at the beginning of the week to get my attention through little posts or comments to my posts on facebook, but I was biting. By mid week, he had quieted down. By the weekend, he started posting what he was doing and where he was going, as I was doing. Either just to keep up, or to show that he was out and about too. Again, I didn't bite. Then this morning, I get a fb chat message from him. "Hey Katy! How are you?" I responded with "Hey there! Good, how are you?" He sent me a quick reply that things were busy at work. He's been dealing with adjusting to having a new partner. And I then wrote him back about the few things that are going on in my life: phone, school, house. Then I hear nothing from him. It's now early afternoon. That was this morning and still, nothing. I wonder what game he thinks he's going to win this time? ;)

I did though get a relationship ebook by Rori Raye. It's a facinating perspective, that I want to try, that I am somewhat trying, we'll see how it goes.

2/15/11

Seen on Status Shuffle... not enough nerve to actually post it on my fb page...
I will never be your first kiss, first love, first valentine, first fight, or first date but I'm not in this to be your first anything, I just want to be your last.

I've been saying this since the start of my relationship with the Gipper. It's nice to actually see it in print.

The saga continues. He called and left me a message on Sunday that my reasoning for not talking was "flawed". I gave him a few hours to stew a bit and then called him back. I think he was hoping he'd be cute an adorable and everything could go back to the way it was. But I wasn't giving an inch. I told him to call me when he was ready to do something serious with me. He told first, that how would he be able to know if he didn't see me. That essentially that he'd forget me if I wasn't part of his daily life. Then he changed it to he wasn't ever going to feel that way for me, never had, etc, etc. So essentially I was writing him out of my life, and if that's what I wanted...  He said that when people flush him out of their lives, he flushes them out of his. It escalated to an almost shouting match, with it ending with him telling me to have a good life.

That night I woke up around 2am with a panic.anxiety attack. i felt like I couldn't breathe,and there was an ache in my chest I haven't felt in a very very long time. if ever. I had a feeling he was going to unfriend me on facebook. so I checked and he had.

The next morning I texted him cause I wanted to clear things up a bit. I wanted him to understand at least a little and not be so angry. Hurt I understood, just not angry. I asked him was I really so unimportant to him that he would forget me if he didn't talk to me everyday. He responded that I had told him not to contact him. that i  didn't want to be his friend anymore. that i had essentially dumped him as a friend. he said that i treated him worse than eve people who are his enemies do. He was really taking it hard. so I called him and we spoke a bit. we determined that we really were at an impassse: I wanted him to contact me when he had feelings for me but he didn't think he ever would. He wanted me to get over him, but I don't know if I ever will. So I told him it wasn't that i didn't want to be his friend, but I needed a lot of space, especially if I was to have even a fighting chance of trying to get over him. How could I do that if he was constantly up front a personal. so we decided in he can contact me once every other week. We'll see how it goes. That last time, it only took him from Friday morning until Sunday afternoon. He hasn't re-friended me, though, which means that he's either trying to punish me (probably) or doesn't want the temptation to contact me by know when I'm online (probably also). He also took himself off okcupid. He did say they latest dish (Vietnamese, I think) was going well. But there have been others.I give it not that long. Possibly longer than the others, but not too long. Again. we'll see.

I will always love you Gipper, Don't ever forget that

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I told the Gipper I couldn't see him anymore until he was ready to try something serious with me. I asked him not to contact me and told him I wouldn't be contacting him. He tried to talk me out of it. He was like, "well maybe I could call you every other day". Then after talking a bit more, he was like, "well I give you space and when you're ready..." and I stopped him. I said, "I won't be calling you. So when you're ready, pleas, PLEASE call me. Even if you hear that I'm seeing someone. Even if you hear that I'm engaged to someone. I want you to still call me, beacuse I will have a right to be a part of that decision then."

Then he was like, "I wish there was somehting I could do that would totoally piss you off at me." And I said, "But it wouldn't change the fact that I love you. I would be pissed at you for a while but I would still love you."

 He told me he understood. That that was what had happened between him and the strip chick. She had helped him towards the end of his marriage. But they slept together and he had feelings for her and she didn't for him.  So he understood. He also this past weekend had been telling me that if she were in the area still he would totally be into her and all over her, etc. But he know that that would be big mistake and make a huge mess of things and so he was glad that she moved a while ago up to Upstate New York.They are still friends though, so he assumed he could have the same kind of relationship with me. The difference I think though is that although he could be "all into her", he doesn't necessarily love her. I know he loves me. Although he did tell me last weekend that it's her he measures every other girl next to. I know that doesn't include me cause I think he holds me in my own little spot, away from everything else. When he tells me not to put him on a pedestal, I think it's me who has been put on a pedestal. He didn't bring up anything about this having to do with me being jealous. It went better than I thought, considering both our hearts were breaking.

I realized this morning, after mulling everythgin over, that he needs to resolve in himself whatever his feelingsare for strip chick before he can start something with me. All these other online dating chicks are just friviolous fun. Even if he gets into something long term with one of them, it won't be deeply serious, you know? When he told me when we tried dating he felt like he was cheating on someone, I just assumed it ws me, but maybe it was a little bit her too.

Anyway,I can only wait and see what happens. I pulled a spread on tarot.com about if it was the right decision to back away, and they all say yes. Almost every card int he spread, said, yes, give him space, some time and it will work itself out in the end. Which I guess it alwasy does. i just hope it works out the way i would like it to. But either way. I hope it works itself out for him too as well as for me.

I won't ever find someone like him. Someone who I so completely am in sync with. Gipper. I love you and I always always will. I hope you know that.

Dear Gipper, I am leaving you

Dear Gipper,

I am leaving you. I know this may come as a shock. I know you thought we could just go on as we are indefinitely, but I just emotionally can't handle it anymore. You know how I feel about you. And deep down, you know how you feel too. You just aren't ready to make a commitment yet, at least not to me. Perhaps not to anyone at the moment, but I don't plan on sticking around to find out.

I love you. In my deepest part of my heart and soul I know this to be true. I also know that you love me. I truly do believe we are soul mates and meant to be together, but you need to discover this on your own. If I keep hanging around, and you keep calling me back to you, you won't ever have the opportunity to come to that conclusion. Who knows how long things would go on the way they are then?

I love spending time with you and talking to you and listening and being goofy with you. But right now you're so consumed with all your dating. Which is great. That's what you need to do and that's what you want to do, and so that's what you should be doing. How else will you discover that I'm the best thing out there for you? When you call me and all you can talk about is the latest flavor of the month, eh week... um day? How do you think it makes me feel? Shaving her pussy in the shower? Shaving  your chest for her and having to get the rest waxed cause you're so hairy (which by the way I love your hairy chest and was heartbroken that you got it all waxed)? Butt licking? Twister in your bed on Valentines day? Really? You really think I really want/need to hear all this?

Please put yourself in my position. Imagine for a moment that you were head over heels in love with me (which by the way, I am convinced that you actually are) and ready and willing to tell me so/do something about it. But I, having recently gotten out of my relationship with Ren Boy (which BTW, seems to have happened around the same time you moved into your parents, June-ish was it?) and discovering how much fun it was to go out and have friends and date, didn't want to be tied down just yet. I knew you were someone special, and probably the one I would want to settle down with, but I just wasn't  there yet, you know? I still wanted to keep you around, I mean G-d we have fun, don't we? I have some of my best giggle fits with you. And we just "get" each other, you know? We almost feed off of each other in our snarkiness. You wanted more, but I just couldn't agree to that. You said you understood, but wanted to at least be my friend. I agreed that you were special, but that you shouldn't wait for me... Go out, date some girls, have fun, like me! I mean, I wouldn't want that on my conscious that you were just pining away for me, would I?

So, put yourself in that situation... Got it? Good. Now... how would you feel if I then proceeded to tell you about all those guys I was dating? How big they were? How they just filled me up, and I couldn't get enough? How I was inviting them over, or going to their place for all weekend long 2 person orgies? How would you cope? How long would you be able to sustain just being my friend before you snapped? Well, here I am. I'm snapping. And unfortunately, it's tearing me up inside. I'm having a hard time sleeping, concentrating, thinking about much else other than you. Do you realize that even when I masterbate, it's your face I see and your name I call out?

I need some space. I need to be able to focus on work, passing the GREs and getting into Drexel, selling the house (G-d willing) and moving, not jumping every time I see the phone ring to see if it's you (yes, I've turned into that girl) and getting myself into a place where I feel good about myself again. Because you see, because of this "arangement" we have, and the way you've been somewhat taking advantage of me and the situation, I've been bit by bit starting to get that "what's wrong with me?" complex that I worked so hard to get rid of. "What's wrong with me that you don't want me?" "what's wrong with me that you're telling me that you're not ready to date, but yet you're are dating and sleeping with all these other girls?" "Is my ass too small?" (there's one I never thought I'd be asking myself!) "Are my boobs too big?" (There's another one) "Is my vag going to be too big for you?" I mean really, some of these I've never contemplated before in my life. I can't believe I'm thinking them now. I swore I would never let a man do this to me, especially after Mr Scorpio, but here I am, in the same mess again, or at least similar.

I want you to know that I'm doing this because I love you that much. It is because you mean so much to me that I can't watch what you're doing. I will love you forever. And I mean that. At times, I think we have loved each other forever, and know each other from previous lives. (Even though I know you think that's hooey.) If you ever need anything, you're hurt, or something traumatic, I'll always be there for you. I'm not taking away my friendship, that will remain as strong as it always has been since the day G-d sent you to me. But I'm just placing you on the back burner for now, much as you have to me. When you're ready for something serious with me, when you've had your fill of all the little Asian pussies out there you can find to schtupt, call me, please. I won't judge you. I won't dismiss you. I will truly, very much want to hear from you. Even if you hear through the grapevine that I'm seeig someone (cause I will try and get out there and date some) I need you to promise me that you'll call. If we see each other at group events, know that I will very much want to see you, and will need that hug that only you can give me.

You've been asking me over and over again how can you make it so that you don't hurt me. And telling me over and over that this is what you need to do and therefore what you need from me. Well, Mr Gipper, this is what I need from you. Please don't hate me and try to understand that this will hurt me more than you can possibly imagine.

I love you.
Katy

2.6.11

The Gipper is so totally going to drive me to drink. So this whole week he's been not calling me so much, sort of holding back. He'll call during the day and we'll only have like a 20 minute conversation. I thought it was kind of weird, but I know he's going out on dates almost every night. And although he says that he's been thinking that it may be kind of mean/rude to be telling me all of this when he know how I feel, I think it may be his mom or sister or maybe even Boobs who's been talking to him. Anyway, when i went out to dinner with Rabbis Daughter and he automatically assumed it was date with a guy,I didn't correct him. Today he brought it up again, and told me he was upset because he thought I was keeping something from him. So I laughed and said it was Rabbi's daughter, nothing to tell! Men!

Meanwhile he came Wednesday night to drop off the baklava, which was very good, although I was hoping he might have brought something chocolate, but the baklava literally melts in your mouth. I thought he was just going to drop it of and run, but he stayed for about two hours, and when the Princess came home she was all pissy, of course. Demanding who's Mercedes was in the lot, and then told him that he had left the car door open. Whoot! She even said later, this morning actually, that whole night was something a boyfriend would do, the gift, in the middle of the week, leaving the car door open!. Please G-d, if you listening, let him pull his head out of his ass a little quicker than he is and let me be the one he wants and winds up with forever at the end of all this.

Today he's taking me to Beau Monde for breakfast. He's been feeling bad that I keep going out to brunch with the girls and not with him, so I told him why don't we go out this weekend. He then brought up this place in Exton that he knows and has mentioned before. But he said we'd have to be up really early cause they get really busy. However, midway through the week, he said that his new partner is coming to get keys to the office and be shown around and such, so we would have to go somewhere closer and later, so I suggested Beau Monde. I'm kind of slick like that. Hah! I'll have to let you know how it goes.

2.2.11

Dinner with Rabbi's Daughter last night at Maggianos. Shrink didn't make it. It was good times, good conversation and the food... delish! Although I ate way too much and by the time I got home I was feeling kind of sick. We talkesd about a bunch of nothing, boys (of course), GRE's, how my horoscope for Feb (several sources) talk about that this may be the month that the house sells, or at least goes under contract.

Daughter gave me a pearl of wisdom at the end of the night as I told he the Gipper is being quieter than usual. She said, "You don't talk about those you're dating/abut your dates with the one you like/love. But you do talk about the one you like/love to your/on your dates." Let's hope she's right. My mom tempered to be you talk about the one you love on your dates until you realize that's what you're doing. He's cut back calling me to once a day around lunch time/early afternoon for the past couple of days. But today he called this morning while i was on the train. I couldn't really talk since I don't like talking on the train. but he'll drop of his "thank you gift" tonight after work. I'll slightly confirm our Sunday brunch date/meetup. I'm sure he doesn't want to call it a date. Somehow, he thinks that dinner last night for me was a date. I didn't say either was, but I didn't exactly correct him either. We'll see where this leads. there are several guys on match.com though that i might be interested enough to go out with. I just can't get online with it at work. I'll have to wait until I get home.

2:00pm - So I haven't heard from him since this morning and he hasn't been on fb or jdate all day. I wonder what's up. He's probably just on the road today for work. I think I'm just over analyzing things. But I'll see him tonight! We had  a conversation, maybe a week ago?, where he texted me that he just doesn't wan to hurt me but he doesn't know how to do that. So I told him it's probably unavoidable. But that he needs to get his head out of his ass and we'd all be a lot happier. He wrote back that he thinks he needs to keep it up there awhile while he goes through this quest he's on. I told him, I'll have to start calling him Sir Galahad. He got  a kick out of that. :)

2:40pm ok. I';m definitely obsessing too much. he just called. to tell me that his partner's wife's Mercedes that he's driving for the time being handles exactly like my car!! I told him, I know. that's why my car is awesome! Hah! Then he told me he got Baklava, since he's horrible at keeping secrets. (Note to self: will have to remember this) Then he told me he's actually liking the dating thing, meeting new people, checking out new places, etc, etc. We'll see where this all goes.

3:30pm Apparently Gipper went to the same special school as the Bro. He told me he got his GED, or actually,I'm trying to remember. he may have just let me make that assumption. Small world indeed. and he called me again to ask me. Me's thinking of me,and at least he's not being weird. I think when he's weird I just need to let it go. It probably has more to do with the cosmos than with me directly. Speaking of cosmos, we really should call Kathleen and set up an appointment to go see her. It would be nice to see her and it would be nice to get a reading. I'm so curious about the Gipper. I feel with all my soul that he's my beshert and I am his. But sometimes it's nice to have a bit of confirmation, you know? Plus it might be nice to know how long he's planning on putting us through this particular mishagos. I know there will be plenty of other mishogos to contend with with him. But if I'm actually with him, relationship, married, children, whatever, I'll deal with whatever else comes down the pike. Don't I always?

2.1.11

The Gipper called me once yesterday, around lunch time. A far cry from his multiple times everyday. I wonder if he's consciously cutting back. weaning himself off of me for the time being so to speak. I did get him to commit to a Sunday brunch, and I actually think he's thinking of going to this place in Exton (i think) that he's mentioned a couple of times. A trip, albeit small one, with him would be nice. I love the time I get to spend with him. We'll see how his social plans wrap up for the weekend and if he remembers and if we really go. I hope so!

I've been checking out apartments online. I've been looking in NJ since I think to start, I really need to focus on the biggest bang for my buck, which of course will be in NJ. Allison Apts and Ryans Run ( I think this is where Mini Me's boyfriend lives) look promising. The house needs to sell first, or at least go under contract. My Feb horoscope, from several sources, hints that this may be the month for that to happen. Hopefully!

I didn't get to study last night. I really need to do that to pass those frickin GRE's. Once that's done, I'll be in to Drexel's program, and then I can start focusing on that. I guess I really need to start focusing NOW.

2:00pm - The Gipper just texted me. He has a gift for me. Just something small, a quick thank you, he said. He thinks I don't know, but it's baklava he had delivered to his office for something (I saw on facebook, but then let him erase it thinking I hadn't seen yet!) and he saved some for me. Very sweet. He said it's for putting up with all of his shit. At least he knows how good he is as dishing it out. Hah! He's getting all shy about the dates he's going on, all of a sudden. Either he's been thinking about what it must feel like for me, or someone tipped him off as to the extent of his assholishness. Either way I suppose it's for the better. I don't really need to hear all the gorey details, although I do like keeping tabs on him. He went to the Linkin Park concert with his sister and her husband. He wasn't mentioning it so I figured maybe he was going to bail on them. Glad to know he has some scruples. Of course it took the flavor of the, um.. hour? (I know I'm mean) Vietnamese this time. From King of Prussia, has an MS in electrical engineering, but with the economy is now in nursing school. He said she's quirky. He likes quirky. he likes not being able to read someone. I think he likes the challenge of it. I hope he realizes that not being able to read someone is not a good basis of a long term committed relationship. If you can't read someone, how are you supposed to be able to plan together, build a life, etc, etc? I really hope this ends well for all of us: him, me, and all the girls whose hearts he's going to break (hopefully, I'm not one of them!)

Rabbis Daughter invited me to Maggianos tonight, spur of the moment. It's supposed to be icing later, but I have my car and could use the bonding time. Of course, one of my other friends is asking if I'm going to the Renaissance/Collab happy hour on Thursday night. I may try and go, It might be a slightly different crowd.

And then I have to get some study time in! I have to figure out a way to pay for this second test coming up.

How have I not kept up with my blog before. Look how much I've written and it's only a day's worth. And I haven't even gone to dinner with the girls! Oh, the Shrink may be there as well. Why do I always feel like she's ever so slightly judging me. And not in a shrink-like way but in a Russian Jewish mother way.

Good things to come!

Ugh, January was a disaster. I'm glad Feb is almost here. I need a change of pace. Between the Gipper, the home situation, school (or the wanting of it), things just feel a bit out of control.

Or at least during January. But I'm going to put the whole "dating" the Gipper fiasco, such as it was, out of mind. Along with the sleeping with him (again such as it was) out of mind. (I do want to add though, it was wonderful just snuggling next to him. I've never felt so comfortable and in the right place as I do when I'm with him.) He's back to chasing little young Asian things. I know I sound so awful saying it like that, I'm sure they're nice, but well, we'll see where it all goes. I know that he just needs to chase right now. Once he's done, I'll still be here. My tarot & horoscope keep saying just let things go and try not be so controlling of my life. So fine. I'm letting go. I'm going to back off a bit and give him his space. Give him the month of Feb and see if he's gotten any of the chasing out of his system, Because truth be told, I can so see myself with him, making a life, having a family, both being very happy and content with each other. We'll see. Let go, Let go.

I have way more important things to focus on for right now. More important for right now to be sure. I've got the GREs to study for, especially since I totally bombed them on Friday. And the whole cell phone thing, I can't even believe it happened at all. It was like a surreal movie, where you're yelling at the screen, put it back in the locker! don't pick it up! etc, etc. I have to retake them mid-Feb to have any chance of having the scores to Drexel by their March 1 deadline. I could have sworn the deadline was mid Feb last time I looked. I can't help but feel that G-d is in my corner giving me extra time to not f**k it up this time. I really need to study and find a way to practice on the computer.

Then there's the whole house thing. Hopefully we see some action by the end of the month. There was that guy who came from the spray service who showed some interest. Maybe he's the one? We'll see. But if I don't get out of the situation we're all in so, I feel like I might explode. The Gipper mentioned that I might want to look in Jersey for an apartment, and I can't help feeling like he might be right. I'll definitely get more bang for my buck there, and I'll have room for my car too.

The Princess just got a new Passat. Her old one had an oil leak that would have been too much to fix. Her new car (granted it's an '09) cost less than Gilly! How do you like that!

What else? I saw the Kings Speech for the second time with Boobs. She's been wanting to see it and I didn't mind going z second time. We went to Sabrinas on 9th and went up the Italian Market while we waited. I really need to go there more often, for all the times I've driven down there, I've never gotten out and walked around. De3finitely will need to go back in the spring. Maybe I'll have my new place by then. I hear Fante's calling! And IKEA with Shira. I already know the kitchen table set I want, and some other shelving and such. I'll have to see what I have left one the whole house selling thing is over. But with my tax refund from this year, I should be doing some what ok.

I'm dying to get a new computer. I may just let Mommy have the one I got last year since she's getting the most use out of it anyway and get myself a Mac. Gipper will be very excited to help with that purchase I'm sure. So much more satisfying than the iPhone he's been hocing me to get. (Which I'll be able to get a new backflip with the insurance I just got to replace my broken screen one). And once I get into Drexel, I'll qualify for the educational discount Apple offers. I feel like I'm on the precipice of some really good things. And I can't help but think in the back of my mind that the Gipper may be waiting to see if and how I get out of my tie up with Mommy and the house and off on my own. Almost like he needs to see me do that to prove to himself that I will. Again,. we'll see.

I have good feelings for the spring though. It will be busy but very exciting. And I've had  sedentary life for far too long. It's time to get back out there! 2011 here I come, so bring it on!