Why do all of my posts have to do with the Gipper?
Yesterday, he called me, which was funny cause I was thinking about calling him, but not for the reasons you may think. I know I haven't written much the past couple of months, but the Gipper and I had sort of come to an understanding. Basically, it went back to the way it had been, although much less intense, much less contact. But he got to keep his friend, and I got to keep my illusion. It was with the understanding that I didn't want to know who or what, where, when, he was dating. He tried to stick to this, but always managed to sneak bits and pieces into our conversations.
Anyway, last week, on facebook, I saw that one of the girls who he had friended and had been commenting with then friended his mom and sister. I knew that meant he had brought her home to "meet the family". I know in guy talk that means not that much, at least according to Rori, but he never took me home to meet any of them. Why? Then I saw Sunday night, he posted pictures of him and her at the beach in OC. They were, you know, "we're having so much fun together" pictures. And it hurt all over again.
So yesterday, I really started thinking about why I continue to do this to myself? As long as we're friends on facebook, I'm going to get hurt cause I'm going to continue to see this stuff. I've tried hiding his posts from my wall, but I know I can always go check out his wall, and the temptation is just too great. Plus the fact, that I really don't want him to know what I'm up to. It's not his business. He's deemed it so by "just wanting to be friends", although he would argue this last point I'm sure.
So towards the end of the day, I blocked my new posts from him right before I left for the day. Then on the train, I really thought about it. By doing that, I was sort of punishing him and hoping for a reaction, when really what I needed to do was keep myself from him, not necessarily the other way around. As I was deciding to call him once I got home and explain things to him (again) and tell him that I wanted to unfriend him so that I wouldn't have to see his posts and have that temptation and continue to get hurt again and again and again, he called me. I swear it's like we're in sync somehow. Lately, I'll hear from him every 2 weeks, this last time it was about a month, but we texted a bit last Thursday, so I thought I wouldn't be hearing from him for awhile. But it was only a handful of days since we texted. Perhaps he knows how much he pushes my buttons and wants to see how far he can go and how much he can get away with. Well, he finally pushed too hard.
I explained myself to him, and told him it would be easier for me to not be facebook friends. He showed me that we'd still be able to see each other's posts. But said that if we blocked each other then we'd each disappear from each other's facebook pages all together. So that's what we did. Then we said a few choice words, achem. And then we hung up. Then he started texting me, and all his anger came out. We said quite a bit more hurtful things. He suggested I get some therapy, that I was acting psychotic and I was scaring him. Can you imagine? I told him, a therapist would tell me to do the exact thing I was doing. And, a psychotic person wouldn't see there was anything wrong with the "facebook stalking" as he called it, whereas I realized I needed to stop. That I was only hurting myself, and was trying to help myself and rectify the situation. He didn't see it that way. I think he was just angry. He said he wasn't even sure he knew who I really was ("he didn't have to worry about me coming over and burning down his house or anything, did he?" - the nerve!), and totally didn't have any interest in being my friend any longer.
I hate when things end on a bad note. I've had breakups before (although Eye Doc would insist this couldn't be a breakup, since we were never dating) but I was always able to end things amicably, or relatively so. People would be sad, but not enemies. Maybe he just can only see things in black and white? I feel sorry for him. Oh, and that another thing. He said he felt sorry for me. For me! That he pitied me. Me! That I was running away and hiding from the situation. Honestly, he just needs to grow up. If he's even capable of doing that. I really feel like everything he told me was wrong with me, was actually all the things that he knows inherently are wrong with him.
Well, it is a full moon today, so I'm sure that's why things came to a head. And although I know I need to just let this go, and let him go, at least this way he knows I mean business. That I'm not going to tolerate his bull shit any longer. That I'm the other half of the friendship/ whatever it is/was, and my feelings need to be considered too. Secretly, for a little bit anyway, I'm going to hope that he'll realize how much he misses me and needs me and agree to at least try things my way. And in the meantime, since we'll have no contact with each other, I'll have a fighting chance of moving on. I probably really did it this time and he may not come back at all and I may never hear from him again. I'm sad and shocked, and hurt, but I know ultimately I did the right thing.
Why does life have to be so hard?
On a side note, I pulled some cards last night, and I kept pulling pentacles (!), like four different cards of them, plus the Page of wands and another very positive card (I forget exactly which one). I've decided to give the Arbonne a decent go. I didn't really do that before. I'm going to put myself out there. I thought all the networking meetups and groups would be a good way to get started. That way, I'll feel that I have a purpose and am not just approaching people arbitrarily. That makes me feel weird. But if I have a purpose, and a somewhat captive audience, I know I can sell this stuff. Heck, I can sell anything! I know. I've done it. I've done cold calling even, for mortgages no less, and gotten really really good leads. So I'm just going to go for it. Just taking a slightly different approach than what was suggested to me. If it works, then I've got myself a nice tidy little side business. And who knows? Perhaps I'll doo well enough that it can become my full time job. And then I'd have the money to live comfortably the way I want, and I'll have time to do all the things I enjoy but have no time for at the moment.
Things are hopefuly looking up. Here's to fresh starts all around!
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