Dear Gipper, I am leaving you

Dear Gipper,

I am leaving you. I know this may come as a shock. I know you thought we could just go on as we are indefinitely, but I just emotionally can't handle it anymore. You know how I feel about you. And deep down, you know how you feel too. You just aren't ready to make a commitment yet, at least not to me. Perhaps not to anyone at the moment, but I don't plan on sticking around to find out.

I love you. In my deepest part of my heart and soul I know this to be true. I also know that you love me. I truly do believe we are soul mates and meant to be together, but you need to discover this on your own. If I keep hanging around, and you keep calling me back to you, you won't ever have the opportunity to come to that conclusion. Who knows how long things would go on the way they are then?

I love spending time with you and talking to you and listening and being goofy with you. But right now you're so consumed with all your dating. Which is great. That's what you need to do and that's what you want to do, and so that's what you should be doing. How else will you discover that I'm the best thing out there for you? When you call me and all you can talk about is the latest flavor of the month, eh week... um day? How do you think it makes me feel? Shaving her pussy in the shower? Shaving  your chest for her and having to get the rest waxed cause you're so hairy (which by the way I love your hairy chest and was heartbroken that you got it all waxed)? Butt licking? Twister in your bed on Valentines day? Really? You really think I really want/need to hear all this?

Please put yourself in my position. Imagine for a moment that you were head over heels in love with me (which by the way, I am convinced that you actually are) and ready and willing to tell me so/do something about it. But I, having recently gotten out of my relationship with Ren Boy (which BTW, seems to have happened around the same time you moved into your parents, June-ish was it?) and discovering how much fun it was to go out and have friends and date, didn't want to be tied down just yet. I knew you were someone special, and probably the one I would want to settle down with, but I just wasn't  there yet, you know? I still wanted to keep you around, I mean G-d we have fun, don't we? I have some of my best giggle fits with you. And we just "get" each other, you know? We almost feed off of each other in our snarkiness. You wanted more, but I just couldn't agree to that. You said you understood, but wanted to at least be my friend. I agreed that you were special, but that you shouldn't wait for me... Go out, date some girls, have fun, like me! I mean, I wouldn't want that on my conscious that you were just pining away for me, would I?

So, put yourself in that situation... Got it? Good. Now... how would you feel if I then proceeded to tell you about all those guys I was dating? How big they were? How they just filled me up, and I couldn't get enough? How I was inviting them over, or going to their place for all weekend long 2 person orgies? How would you cope? How long would you be able to sustain just being my friend before you snapped? Well, here I am. I'm snapping. And unfortunately, it's tearing me up inside. I'm having a hard time sleeping, concentrating, thinking about much else other than you. Do you realize that even when I masterbate, it's your face I see and your name I call out?

I need some space. I need to be able to focus on work, passing the GREs and getting into Drexel, selling the house (G-d willing) and moving, not jumping every time I see the phone ring to see if it's you (yes, I've turned into that girl) and getting myself into a place where I feel good about myself again. Because you see, because of this "arangement" we have, and the way you've been somewhat taking advantage of me and the situation, I've been bit by bit starting to get that "what's wrong with me?" complex that I worked so hard to get rid of. "What's wrong with me that you don't want me?" "what's wrong with me that you're telling me that you're not ready to date, but yet you're are dating and sleeping with all these other girls?" "Is my ass too small?" (there's one I never thought I'd be asking myself!) "Are my boobs too big?" (There's another one) "Is my vag going to be too big for you?" I mean really, some of these I've never contemplated before in my life. I can't believe I'm thinking them now. I swore I would never let a man do this to me, especially after Mr Scorpio, but here I am, in the same mess again, or at least similar.

I want you to know that I'm doing this because I love you that much. It is because you mean so much to me that I can't watch what you're doing. I will love you forever. And I mean that. At times, I think we have loved each other forever, and know each other from previous lives. (Even though I know you think that's hooey.) If you ever need anything, you're hurt, or something traumatic, I'll always be there for you. I'm not taking away my friendship, that will remain as strong as it always has been since the day G-d sent you to me. But I'm just placing you on the back burner for now, much as you have to me. When you're ready for something serious with me, when you've had your fill of all the little Asian pussies out there you can find to schtupt, call me, please. I won't judge you. I won't dismiss you. I will truly, very much want to hear from you. Even if you hear through the grapevine that I'm seeig someone (cause I will try and get out there and date some) I need you to promise me that you'll call. If we see each other at group events, know that I will very much want to see you, and will need that hug that only you can give me.

You've been asking me over and over again how can you make it so that you don't hurt me. And telling me over and over that this is what you need to do and therefore what you need from me. Well, Mr Gipper, this is what I need from you. Please don't hate me and try to understand that this will hurt me more than you can possibly imagine.

I love you.
Katy