Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I told the Gipper I couldn't see him anymore until he was ready to try something serious with me. I asked him not to contact me and told him I wouldn't be contacting him. He tried to talk me out of it. He was like, "well maybe I could call you every other day". Then after talking a bit more, he was like, "well I give you space and when you're ready..." and I stopped him. I said, "I won't be calling you. So when you're ready, pleas, PLEASE call me. Even if you hear that I'm seeing someone. Even if you hear that I'm engaged to someone. I want you to still call me, beacuse I will have a right to be a part of that decision then."
Then he was like, "I wish there was somehting I could do that would totoally piss you off at me." And I said, "But it wouldn't change the fact that I love you. I would be pissed at you for a while but I would still love you."
He told me he understood. That that was what had happened between him and the strip chick. She had helped him towards the end of his marriage. But they slept together and he had feelings for her and she didn't for him. So he understood. He also this past weekend had been telling me that if she were in the area still he would totally be into her and all over her, etc. But he know that that would be big mistake and make a huge mess of things and so he was glad that she moved a while ago up to Upstate New York.They are still friends though, so he assumed he could have the same kind of relationship with me. The difference I think though is that although he could be "all into her", he doesn't necessarily love her. I know he loves me. Although he did tell me last weekend that it's her he measures every other girl next to. I know that doesn't include me cause I think he holds me in my own little spot, away from everything else. When he tells me not to put him on a pedestal, I think it's me who has been put on a pedestal. He didn't bring up anything about this having to do with me being jealous. It went better than I thought, considering both our hearts were breaking.
I realized this morning, after mulling everythgin over, that he needs to resolve in himself whatever his feelingsare for strip chick before he can start something with me. All these other online dating chicks are just friviolous fun. Even if he gets into something long term with one of them, it won't be deeply serious, you know? When he told me when we tried dating he felt like he was cheating on someone, I just assumed it ws me, but maybe it was a little bit her too.
Anyway,I can only wait and see what happens. I pulled a spread on tarot.com about if it was the right decision to back away, and they all say yes. Almost every card int he spread, said, yes, give him space, some time and it will work itself out in the end. Which I guess it alwasy does. i just hope it works out the way i would like it to. But either way. I hope it works itself out for him too as well as for me.
I won't ever find someone like him. Someone who I so completely am in sync with. Gipper. I love you and I always always will. I hope you know that.
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